On the Horizon Winter 2019

Letter from the editor

More often than I would care to admit, it feels like things aren’t happening the idealized way I visualize or expect them to happen. Spiritual progress feels ephemeral, like something that I remember happening rather than something that is always happening. It’s natural for self doubt to sneak in, to feel like somehow I have wandered onto a dark stage through the backdoor and suddenly the lights are turned on.

As it turns out, I’m not alone. One of my favorite authors is John Steinbeck, and I was surprised to read an excerpt from his journal that said, “I am not a writer. I’ve been fooling myself and other people.” Here was a person who knew his craft as deeply as anyone and he didn’t feel like he had earned it. He felt like an imposter.

As a college professor I have become hyper-aware of a phenomenon called Imposter Syndrome. It shows up in students as a fear of failure, as anxiety about not doing as well as everyone else around them, even with obvious evidence of success staring them in the face. Oftentimes it’s the best or most talented students that feel like it is just luck that has brought them to the place they are now. One of the best solutions for these students is to talk about their feelings. They find that their feelings of fraudulence are much more a shared experience than they imagine. And they discover that they are not the imposter they fear.

I find this same sense of imposterism creeps into my own awareness of my spiritual growth and expectations. “Am I doing what I should be doing right now? Do I need to seek major changes in my life? Do I want spiritual freedom badly enough?” Frequently when I hear one of Sri Harold’s stories I wonder, “How did he take that small uneventful moment that he is describing and see the hidden spiritual meaning embedded in it? Am I not able to see the same kind of event in a similar way?”

There are many things I seek to hear in my physical life; “I have talent, I am capable, I belong.” I more or less look at growth in my physical world as a linear process. The more I apply myself, the more I learn, the harder I work—the more I grow into who I want to be. But does it really work that way? The basic beliefs of ECKANKAR are the following: “You are Soul and Soul is eternal. Soul exists because God loves it. Soul is on a journey of Self- and God-Realization. Spiritual unfoldment can be accelerated through conscious contact with the ECK, Divine Spirit.” None of these are linear goals. Spiritual unfoldment can be accelerated, but can it be forced, predicted or even planned out? I don’t think so. None of this indicates that I can or should compare my own unfoldment to someone else’s unfoldment.

One of the most interesting things that researchers have found about Imposterism is that people who don’t really challenge themselves rarely feel like imposters. Imposter syndrome doesn’t significantly kick in until you start really growing. So I try to remind myself, whenever I fall into the habit of questioning my current state of spiritual growth, that I am most likely on the verge of discovery and not on the verge of disappointment. I am expanding my awareness rather than hitting an invisible wall. I am unfolding in a very individual, non-linear way and I need to keep my attention sharp to feel ownership. The ECK teachings show me the many ways to see my experiences in a different light. But I have to look. They create a foundation where doubt becomes a catalyst for growth, not a dead end.

With heart,
Matt Brunner
On The Horizon Editor

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